Wednesday, April 22, 2009

I'm All Outta Wack Again

I'm struggling again. With the tv. With eating. With Jeff's schedule. With blogging and the computer in general. With chores. With connecting with my kids. With grocery shopping and meal planning.

With a balanced life in general.

I am HATING the tv right now. This is National Turn Your TV Off Week and I have yet to reduce any screen time for me or the boys, yet it drives me batty that I haven't! The boys zone in front of the tv and don't hear me when I talk to them... making for a bit of an angry mama. Then I zone in front of the computer and don't hear them when they come talk to me.

I've got to get a handle on this for them and me. It's not their fault that when I get stressed I turn on the tv for them and go about my business... whatever that business is, I really don't know. What do I do with my day???

Oh, yes, I know... the computer. My blog reader has way too many blogs on it. I have joined too many yahoo groups. Facebook is going to be the death of me yet and I have two email addresses that are so overloaded with junk that it takes me 15 minutes to just wade through! Then, of course, there are practical reasons to be on the computer - to print a recipe, find the answer to a quick question, look up a phone number or get driving directions. Still... more time on the computer.

The boys don't know if I'm doing something necessary or just vegging out. To them, I suppose all they know is that they see the back of my head and the light from the screen.

I need to just unplug everything and go get some fresh air!

The rest of my life feels like a similar type of struggle, too. I don't know what I want to cook for the week's suppers because I don't know if Jeff will be home, so I don't menu plan. Without a menu plan, I don't have a grocery list when I shop and come home with a hodge-podge of things that don't really amount to anything.

And why does Jeff not being home have anything to do with the amount of chores I get done around the house? Shouldn't keeping the home be a habit for me already? Shouldn't it be something that I just do every day? I'm falling behind on everything and when the time rolls around for Jeff to be home, I'm so bogged down in laundry and dirty dishes that I can't catch up in time to give him a clean house to come home to. Ugh.

I'm just so mad at myself right now. I feel like I'm just falling apart at the seams and everything I'm whining about is totally in my control. It's like I know what I want to do, but don't do it. This bible verse seems to be my "theme song" these days:

Romans 7:19
For the good that I will to do, I do not do; but the evil I will not to do, that I practice.

I really just want to be a good wife and mother. I want to balance my life better. Connect with my kids and make good memories with them. I want them to remember mom reading them stories, playing games, making cookies. I don't want them to remember me sitting at the computer.

I want Jeff to have a virtuous wife.

Proverbs 31:10

Who can find a virtuous wife?
For her worth is far above rubies.

(Read the remaining passages HERE.)

I don't have to have it all together all of the time, but I want him to be able to rely on me for my part in our family. Lately I've just been in a cloud and not keeping anything together.

Today is a new day! I will do something positive!

Maybe it will just be a load of laundry, maybe it will be planting more seedlings for our garden, maybe it will just be reading a book to the boys. Maybe I'll make some cookies with them. And maybe I'll have a hot, nutritious dinner on the table tonight.

What I do know for sure is that I am turning this computer off for the day and picking up my scattered, weary self.

Isaiah 40:28-31

28 Do you not know?
Have you not heard?
The LORD is the everlasting God,
the Creator of the ends of the earth.
He will not grow tired or weary,
and his understanding no one can fathom.

29 He gives strength to the weary
and increases the power of the weak.

30 Even youths grow tired and weary,
and young men stumble and fall;

31 but those who hope in the LORD
will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
they will run and not grow weary,
they will walk and not be faint.

post signature


Janelle said...

Oh Becky, I'm praying for you today, that you can have a God-focused day!

I know that when Scott is working lots of overtime and not home very much, it is hard for me to be motivated to do housework, too.

And yes, I don't do the things I want to do, and I do the things I don't want to do, too! May God give us all grace to do the things HE wants us to do!

laurel said...

I am with you on this one. This whole month has been HARD for me. All out of sorts. I am staying mostly on top of my house (thank you, Flylady!!), so it isn't that for me. It is more that I just don't have a heart of contentment. Everything the boys do aggravates me. I apologized last night to the boys when I was putting them to bed, and resolved this morning that I WOULD speak in kind tones today. I am praying A LOT.
And am thankful that His mercies are new every morning. We might fail but He doesn't, and is gracious to us again and again and again.

bekahcubed said...

I feel for you--there's nothing fun about failing to live up to our own expectations. But take things slowly and do it in the Lord's strength--so you don't end up burning yourself out with 5 course dinners, a sparkling house, and hours of kiddie crafts! ;-)

I'm praying for you.

Mary@notbefore7 said...

Oh girl, I can so relate to these frustrations at many many times. It's why you all don't "see" me so often...sigh. And at times I miss it, but at times I don't. ULtimately you must choose what is "best". There is balance in everything and I pray that God leads you to yours.

Remember that we put a lot of pressure on ourselves. it's OK to let some things go.

God bless you as you work through this balance!

Super B's Mom said...

I totally agree with the other comments. You already ARE a great mother and a great wife. You put a mighty heavy burden on your shoulders.

One thing I've found is that I use the computer as my "Me Time" - a few moments just to chill out and not be bothered. But the computer stresses me out even more - time on the computer isn't relaxation. You need more moments of just silence - maybe just a few minutes to walk outside and listen to the birds while the boys are asleep.

And remember, you've had A LOT going on lately. Please don't be so hard on yourself.

I will be praying for you - that God will give you clarity and balance and that he will calm your fears and worries.


She's So There said...

let's put this in perspective. All the measurements you are saying you don't measure up to are really not life mattering moments. What matters IS that you love your God, you love your husband, the boys feel your love and they are well cared for....and ooops yes, there's that whole part about taking care of YOURSELF so you can take care of have a lot of beating up going on down the street girlfriend, stop picking on my dear friend! Or I might have to come stomp a puddle on that girl who's beating you up!
love you!

Angie said...

I totally understand! I think it can be so hard to balance our time in our fast paced, ultra connected world!

Saying a prayer for you (and for me!).